Most of you may not know this, but I've been angry and hurting for almost twenty years now. In June of 1989, my mother died unexpectedly and I just haven't been able to move on and forgive her for leaving me. But today is a new day, I'm finally at the point in my life where I've decided to just let go of some things that are beyond my control.
Friday, August 1st was a tough day for me, it was my mother's birthday and I was experiencing an overwhelming day of missing her, yet I was still so angry at her for leaving because I still needed her. I am going to try to explain the feelings I was having on that day, because the way my day end has caused this new decision in my life. This is not a blog about my mother, but a blog about how my anger and hurt has affected my life as a parent.
Missing my mother, made me think of my own daughter. I felt my mother around me the past couple of days, I think I even heard her talking to me, not out loud, but in my head. Somethings just started to click and I felt she knew I needed her and I realized she is still there for me.
I don't know exactly how or when it happened, but at some point I finally came to the conclusion that I have done all that I can to try to mend the ongoing riffs between my daughter and myself. She and I are currently estranged from one another and she chooses not to include me in her life.
For the record, before I go on with my thoughts, I want everyone to know that my daughter is a bright and beautiful young woman who has, like the rest of us, made her share of mistakes. She feels that I have let her down and I sometimes feel that she has let me down too. That is what has happened to us, maybe it has happened in your family too. Families are often complicated and unfortunately some dysfunctional as well. I speak from experience here.
Anyway back to my thoughts, I have finally realized that there is a limit on what parents can handle. Just as children have rights, parents have a right to be protected too. Yet my decision to not beg for a relationship with her anymore and basically allowing her to cut me out of her life has not been done without a great deal of anguish. Even then, knowing that I am doing the right thing in keeping my distance it does not take away the pain.
With my mother's help I have found my peace and my closure. With that being said, my closure means "closing or being closed; a finish; an end; a conclusion." Just so everyone knows, my closure does not mean that I am writing her off forever, it simply means right now I am gently closing the door to our past problems and allowing the possibility of opening new doors for a reconciliation with her somewhere in the future when we are both ready and emotionally able. I am no longer going to be angry with my mother or my daughter and I am not going to hurt any longer.
I am choosing to no longer define my worth by my daughter's actions or her words against me. I am now defining myself based on my own actions. Some actions I'm not very proud of, but on the other hand, I know I have gone above and beyond what some people do for their children. I know I have done my best and I am still continuing to learn from my experiences as a parent. I know that I can't do any better than my best and I understand now that I should not be expected to do more than that. We all have our own life to work on and if she needs to not speak to me to get her life figured out. Then that is what I am willing to do for her as her mother.
I will always love my mother and my daughter. It may have taken me almost 20 years to figure it all out (yes, I'm a bit slow sometimes) but I finally understand why my mother is no longer here, she needed to go take care of herself. After all, I was a grown woman!
Well, it is time for me to take care of myself. I'm going to live my life focusing on me, no more pain. It is the time for me to heal and forgive everyone. After all, she IS a grown woman!
I forgive my mom, my daughter and most of all myself.
Some of this may not be written right where everyone can understand my thoughts or the situation exactly. But I didn't want to hurt my daughters feelings, embarrass her or add to my guilt anymore. So, I guess somethings are truly better left unsaid. I wish everyone the best. I want to also say, "Thanks mom! I finally got it..."
1 comment:
Very well said. Everyone will understand.
Post a Comment